4/16/2011
Good coaching session today. I finally had the presence of mind to face and verbalize that my book (written under the influence of inspiration) was a window on a possibility. The possibility to practice an attitude of all is well and the possibility of understanding ourselves as god on an adventure.
I am facing the truth about myself: I am not an embodiment of these concepts right now. I wrote these things and believed them at the time of my writing the first draft. Even for perhaps another year afterwards. But somewhere since then, I am no longer practicing what I wrote. I’m pessimistic, I’m lazy, I’m so fearful. The term “Clutching my heart in fear” springs to mind. So melodramatic. I read somewhere recently that emotional pain actually is real pain. I feel such pain in my stomach. Of course. I feel powerless, overwhelmed, overcome. It’s no accident that my solar-plexus chakra is freaking out.
Heather is a god-sent. Even though I feel that I am under such extreme duress, I don’t believe that we can go all the way down to where the origin of my pain is. I don’t feel she could hold space for wailing and screaming. (I’m probably wrong about that.) And I don’t want to embarrass myself.
I think about the prospect of journaling this journey. I’m already thinking about the end where “she redeems herself,” where the process comes to a good end. I am annoyed by my calculatedness. I want to be in the moment. I think, What if I don’t make it? I might just go on and on, a waste, a lost opportunity, amounting to nothing. Is there a book in that? I guess if it doesn’t end well, it won’t be self-help, will it? It can always be a memoir. Yuk! That’s how that makes me feel. I love to write. Love it. But my passion is teaching, helping people. Even now, I can still be of assistance. I coach and teach my class. I do make a difference in the life of a small group of people. The inner critic “So what?” I have global ambition and local terrifying fear. I’ve begun to feel self-loathing. I’m a bigmouth. I can talk. But where are my actions?
