4/18/11
It really has been a while. In re-reading my old blog posts from 2006 and 7, I see that I had a level of spiritual trust in God, or the Universe, then that got subverted during ensuing years by the many difficulties that arose along the way.
Even though I had a profound mystical and spiritual experience in February of 2010 in which I revisited the "Luminous Darkness," I am still leagues away from where I once was.
This March, during my retreat, I was slowly returning to the refined spirit, to being thoroughly re-enlivened in my awareness of the divine in me and in everything. But my subsequent experience of the Hay House workshop and the illustrated requirements of making a success of my message, frightened me again into a state of atheism. A strange atheism as I am continuing to be aware that I am God on an adventure. It seems now that this viewpoint lends itself to atheism, i.e. if I am god, then there is no God. This is a difficulty with my belief and, hence, my message. When I am viscerally aware of my divinity, there is no problem. The sensations and feelings in my being convey the meaning cleanly. But when I am viscerally unaware, this message leaves me feeling bereft, rather than holy and connected and burdened, rather than safely cradled.
Right now my mind understands God but my heart is in, at least, the demi-dark. I am willing to be here and go through this. I have no doubt at all that on the other side lay beauty, connection, all-encompassing love and holiness. I've spent much more of my life in that place and I accept with humility this experience of emptiness and fear, trusting that it will serve me and everyone with whom I come in contact.
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